From: Human Resources Department
To: Me

If you or your spouse is planning to have a baby, let our Wellness Team know, and you can win a gift card through our We Love Babies! Program.

[...]

Please contact Emily [...] to notify us about the pregnancy and to submit your name in the drawing for the gift card.

From: Me
To: Emily

“…you or your spouse…”?
 
So if I’m planning on having a kid but my wife isn’t, can I enter?  I’ll have to check with her to see if she’s planning on having one that I don’t know about…come to think of it, maybe that extra weight she’s carrying isn’t because of the holidays like she said!
 
I’ll get back to you when I know more

p

From: Emily
To: Me

Paul,
 
I hope your wife enjoys your sense of humor as much as you do. 
 
Here’s hoping for a happy New Year to you both!

Emily

In addition to finding me funny, I also secretly believe every woman finds me attractive.  If they don’t it’s only an act to hide their true feelings…as Emily cleverly demonstrated.

Anyway, this is about Coke at Costco, not a show that “celebrates the beauty and sensuality of women”.  (That post comes later).

Coke is back at Costco, which is old news (always behind the times, I’d written about this little spat here and here).  The Coke products are more expensive than equivalent Pepsi products, but not by much.  So who won the battle?  Who knows, who cares.  It was a stupid fight to begin with (though I had to side with Coke). What I found noteworthy is the presence of Mexican Coca-Cola.

"Coke de Mexico" - it's like I'm back in California!

See?

Viva la raza, baby - it's the real thing!

I struck me as odd to find mexican Coke (not to be confused with mexican coke) in Costo.  Sure, there’s a decent sized hispanic population around here (Baltimore suburbs) but this is Maryland.  I’d be less surprised if I found Coke for sale in mason jars.

The magical Internet came to my rescue.  Apparently this is the Coke to drink because it’s sweetened with sugar and not high fructose corn syrup.  Double bonus – it comes in glass bottles.  You know it’s good if the New York Times wrote about it.

I was excited that Pepsi came out with their “throwback” formulation, also with real sugar…and I don’t like Pepsi (I gave it up after ODing on it in high school…same reason I don’t drink Budweiser, well, that and I’ve developed taste). 

Real sugary Coke in glass…well, smack my ass and call me Sally.  I’m buying me some of this love in a bottle.

I’ll have to keep it at work so my wife doesn’t find out…I’ve put on a couple (ahem) pounds over the last few months and she’s nagging me about it.  She’d probably be happier if I started using coke instead…until she saw my credit card statement. 

Wait, do drug dealers even take credit cards?

Crap, I haven’t had cash since my kids started buying school lunches.  I guess mexican Coca-Cola it is then.

I know that dealer takes credit cards…

This is the sewing machine. It's the same brand as our laser printer. I'm sure they'll work well together, after all, they're Brothers.

I don’t know how to sew, neither does my wife.  I’d like to learn…maybe this is my big chance.  Anyway, being the nerd that I am I searched amazon.com for sewing DVDs.

I don't think anyone is going to learn to sew here

Six lousy DVDs related to sewing.  Ever helpful, amazon.com had suggestions.

Amazon's take on sewing? Fuck it. Literally.

Clicking on these images will make them larger, in case you’re new to the Internet.

I look for “how to sew” and amazon.com comes back with “how to sex”.  That phrase doesn’t even make sense.  Why not, “how to sow”?  You know, for tyro farmers.  “How to see”, for blind people…because really it’s just a matter of technique.  “How to saw”? 

The results are rather intriguing, I must admit.  Look at item #1, “How To: Nina Hartley’s Making Love to Women DVD”.  If that’s the top alternative for “how to sew” then quilting bees must be way cooler than I ever suspected.

And where was #3, “Sex: How to Do Everything”, 20 years ago?  You know, if I could do everything myself I’d be single, unemployed, and weigh a totally malnourished 85 pounds. 

The fun never stops at amazon.com

I do not find this woman attractive in any way.

One could infer from the continuing list of “how to sex” DVDs that sex is either harder or more interesting than sewing.  It’s reassuring to know that either way I wisely chose the correct area of home economics to study.

#6 – “How to Make Sex More Fun For Him”.  Come on, really?  How badly do you have to suck to need this DVD?  Errr, let me rephrase that…what the hell are you doing that you need this DVD?  Ok ladies, if just showing up isn’t enough for your man I’ll save you the $25 for this DVD right now.  Bring a friend.  A female friend.  And not the fat chick you hang around with because she doesn’t have a boyfriend or her husband ignores her or because she makes you look skinny.  Bring that hot friend your husband likes…guaranteed there’s at least one.

Except for me, of course.  My wife’s beauty eclipses all others so the thought of another woman makes me physically ill.  But uglier women stuck with lesser men, heed my advice.

Why is there a moose in #8, the how-to guide to oral sex?  Never mind, I don’t want to know.

The beat goes on...

And so it goes…for 12 more pages.  I used Amazon’s convenient feedback form at the bottom of the first page to point out our divergent educational goals for my 11 year old daughter but I have no expectation of satisfaction.  Perhaps they have a DVD for that.

The moral of the story?  Improve your “social” skills and you won’t need to know how to sew…guys will just buy you stuff.

I think I’ll see if Michael’s has any upcoming sewing classes.