If you or your spouse is planning to have a baby, let our Wellness Team know, and you can win a gift card through our We Love Babies! Program.
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Please contact Emily [...] to notify us about the pregnancy and to submit your name in the drawing for the gift card.
From: Me To: Emily
“…you or your spouse…”?
So if I’m planning on having a kid but my wife isn’t, can I enter? I’ll have to check with her to see if she’s planning on having one that I don’t know about…come to think of it, maybe that extra weight she’s carrying isn’t because of the holidays like she said!
I’ll get back to you when I know more
p
From: Emily To: Me
Paul,
I hope your wife enjoys your sense of humor as much as you do.
Here’s hoping for a happy New Year to you both!
Emily
In addition to finding me funny, I also secretly believe every woman finds me attractive. If they don’t it’s only an act to hide their true feelings…as Emily cleverly demonstrated.
Stopped by the local Costco today (of course). Picked up a vegas.com gift card ($100 gift card for $80) to go with the two cards I previously bought for the bride. We’re headed to Las Vegas in about 10 days, just the two of us, and we wanted to book tickets to a couple of shows before we went. How unlike me to do something requiring forethought. Anyway, we’re going to see the Blue Man Group and Crazy Horse Paris. Yeah, how cool is my wife?
Anyway, this is about Coke at Costco, not a show that “celebrates the beauty and sensuality of women”. (That post comes later).
Coke is back at Costco, which is old news (always behind the times, I’d written about this little spat here and here). The Coke products are more expensive than equivalent Pepsi products, but not by much. So who won the battle? Who knows, who cares. It was a stupid fight to begin with (though I had to side with Coke). What I found noteworthy is the presence of Mexican Coca-Cola.
"Coke de Mexico" - it's like I'm back in California!
See?
Viva la raza, baby - it's the real thing!
I struck me as odd to find mexican Coke (not to be confused with mexican coke) in Costo. Sure, there’s a decent sized hispanic population around here (Baltimore suburbs) but this is Maryland. I’d be less surprised if I found Coke for sale in mason jars.
The magical Internet came to my rescue. Apparently this is the Coke to drink because it’s sweetened with sugar and not high fructose corn syrup. Double bonus – it comes in glass bottles. You know it’s good if the New York Times wrote about it.
I was excited that Pepsi came out with their “throwback” formulation, also with real sugar…and I don’t like Pepsi (I gave it up after ODing on it in high school…same reason I don’t drink Budweiser, well, that and I’ve developed taste).
Real sugary Coke in glass…well, smack my ass and call me Sally. I’m buying me some of this love in a bottle.
I’ll have to keep it at work so my wife doesn’t find out…I’ve put on a couple (ahem) pounds over the last few months and she’s nagging me about it. She’d probably be happier if I started using coke instead…until she saw my credit card statement.
Wait, do drug dealers even take credit cards?
Crap, I haven’t had cash since my kids started buying school lunches. I guess mexican Coca-Cola it is then.
We bought my daughter a sewing machine for Christmas. (Not to worry, she doesn’t know about this site.)
This is the sewing machine. It's the same brand as our laser printer. I'm sure they'll work well together, after all, they're Brothers.
I don’t know how to sew, neither does my wife. I’d like to learn…maybe this is my big chance. Anyway, being the nerd that I am I searched amazon.com for sewing DVDs.
I don't think anyone is going to learn to sew here
Six lousy DVDs related to sewing. Ever helpful, amazon.com had suggestions.
Amazon's take on sewing? Fuck it. Literally.
Clicking on these images will make them larger, in case you’re new to the Internet.
I look for “how to sew” and amazon.com comes back with “how to sex”. That phrase doesn’t even make sense. Why not, “how to sow”? You know, for tyro farmers. “How to see”, for blind people…because really it’s just a matter of technique. “How to saw”?
The results are rather intriguing, I must admit. Look at item #1, “How To: Nina Hartley’s Making Love to Women DVD”. If that’s the top alternative for “how to sew” then quilting bees must be way cooler than I ever suspected.
And where was #3, “Sex: How to Do Everything”, 20 years ago? You know, if I could do everything myself I’d be single, unemployed, and weigh a totally malnourished 85 pounds.
The fun never stops at amazon.com
I do not find this woman attractive in any way.
One could infer from the continuing list of “how to sex” DVDs that sex is either harder or more interesting than sewing. It’s reassuring to know that either way I wisely chose the correct area of home economics to study.
#6 – “How to Make Sex More Fun For Him”. Come on, really? How badly do you have to suck to need this DVD? Errr, let me rephrase that…what the hell are you doing that you need this DVD? Ok ladies, if just showing up isn’t enough for your man I’ll save you the $25 for this DVD right now. Bring a friend. A female friend. And not the fat chick you hang around with because she doesn’t have a boyfriend or her husband ignores her or because she makes you look skinny. Bring that hot friend your husband likes…guaranteed there’s at least one.
Except for me, of course. My wife’s beauty eclipses all others so the thought of another woman makes me physically ill. But uglier women stuck with lesser men, heed my advice.
Why is there a moose in #8, the how-to guide to oral sex? Never mind, I don’t want to know.
The beat goes on...
And so it goes…for 12 more pages. I used Amazon’s convenient feedback form at the bottom of the first page to point out our divergent educational goals for my 11 year old daughter but I have no expectation of satisfaction. Perhaps they have a DVD for that.
The moral of the story? Improve your “social” skills and you won’t need to know how to sew…guys will just buy you stuff.
I think I’ll see if Michael’s has any upcoming sewing classes.
I first wrote about this stupid little spat here. When I wrote that, I didn’t know it was such a big deal…I thought it was a local thing. Somehow I missed that little news item. I was ambivalent about it, at least until I saw the sign posted at my local Costco tonight:
Costco should have set up cheese sampling next to this whine.
I think I’m going to have to come down on the side of Coke in this spat, sorry Costco. “…our inability to be competitive…” Really? So, Costco, you’d rather have no sales of Coke than some sales? Are you betting people will buy Pepsi instead? As a fan of Coke, I’ll tell you what’s going to happen. People will buy their Coke products elsewhere. We all make trips to the grocery store, and some grocer is bound to have Coke products on sale. Stop being a baby and just charge more for Coke…stop trying to tell them how to run their business.
Our sweatshop starter kit
And as for competitiveness, all us loyal Costco shoppers pay to shop there (as an Executive member, some of us pay more), so you’re getting profit up front anyway.
Not that I’m going to take a stand on this. I still dropped $110 at Costco tonight. Plus $40+ on gas for the truck. And I’m going to order a sewing machine for my daughter from costco.com ($120), so I can lock her in her room and make her sew soccer balls and running shoes…to help offset the price of my Costco membership. Ok, that’s not true. I spend enough at Costco that the 2% cash back with the executive membership more than pays for the price of the membership. The money from my little laborer is to pay for all the stuff I’m ordering from knickerpicker.com. For my wife, of course.
Safety tip: while waiting for an open gas pump I saw a fountain of gasoline shooting out of a car. The woman had pulled the gas nozzle around to the far side of her car, put it in upside down, started the filling, and got back in her car to keep warm. If the nozzle is in upside down it won’t shut off automatically. She didn’t notice the gasoline going everywhere, nor did she heed the horns blaring all around her. Finally the attendant ran over and dealt with the situation…he got her phone number too I think.
The new NFL Shop catalog came the other day, just in time for holiday shopping. Let’s cut to the chase.
They sell women’s thong underwear.
I love football, don’t get me wrong, but really? Are women actually wearing these? I don’t know that I’d want my wife wearing one…the last thing I want on my mind as I’m diving for the end zone is Ben Roethilsberger.
Back off, guys. The Cleveland Browns logo is the universal symbol for "not scoring".
Having trouble getting your man’s attention on Sunday? Maybe a different logo would bring a change of luck.
"A horseshoe, right side up? I'd better take a shower tonight!"
Yes, nothing says “come hither” like NFL embroidery. Still, Reebok did try to fem things up a bit in the product description, “A satin ribbon adds a soft, feminine touch.”
"For the last time, I don't care what you smell, Dolphins are not fish!"
Satin ribbon, brought to you by the same folks who came up with “flowers between the bra cups”.
Flowers...when wearing a bra just isn't feminine enough.
On the other hand, it sure does dress up this Oaktown thong. Raider Nation, be proud.
"Put on your glasses, dear, I did not forget to shave!"
There does seem to be a limit to tackiness (well, except with me). Even NASCAR doesn’t sell women’s underwear (count your blessings, Internet). A search for “thong” at MLB’s shop shows they have a different take than the NFL.
Let's see you fit your legs through those holes.
The NHL shop carries a limited line of women’s thongs as evidenced by this beauty:
I always thought the name "Red Wings" was better suited for a feminine hygiene product, but then I'm a Penguins fan.
If you want to sell lingerie, don’t listen to the sports marketing brainiacs. They may be able to turn pedestrian items into icons of loyalty but what could they possibly know about selling fine washables?
This would be much cooler (albeit heavier) with 10 yards of chain inside.
No, if you want to sell lingerie, Knicker Picker knows how to do it.
I think this just may be the reason the Internet was invented. Really. If the lingerie came with working remote control arrows (don’t be shy, go ahead and click them) I swear I would buy every item on their site. Twice.
And not because the arrows would let me live out my Stepfordian fantasies, not at all. I’m fascinated by business and marketing and I think this is a brilliant way to sell lingerie. Can’t you see the brilliance? Maybe you’re not looking close enough. Click the “full-screen” button and fill your screen with brilliance. Don Draper couldn’t have done it better himself. Why not show how your product works? Right? That’s why amazon.com allows random mouth-breathers from the web to upload video product reviews. Because it sells. Throw some breasteses into the mix and…umm…
Hey look, more pictures! In just 50 years look how far technology has taken us.
She won the Cy Young award that year since no one was able to get past first base with her. That bra is sturdy, plus she's wearing a lampshade!
I think the Arabic reads, "I dreamed I waged jihad"...she looks kind of pissed off though she's rockin' those Hammer pants.
The Stepford dreams of an earlier generation. Disturbing.
Is she popping out of the box at her child’s birthday party? How did they get her to pose for that ad? “First, take off your blouse and put this traffic cone on your head while we tape your legs together and put you in a box. Now signal a touchdown and smile uncomfortably!” Or was it a marketing decision? “Look, mothers are writing us that their sons keep swiping our ads from their magazines. We need a fap-proof ad.” It’s so weird, it’s like something out of modern day Japan.
Screw the chopsticks, I'm using my hands.
What, not strange enough for you? Never fear, Japan always delivers.
You can tell they're for men because they lack both ribbons and flowers.
“Men’s premium brassiere” “By WishRoom”…yeah, I don’t even want to know. Pink?
Ah, curse you Internet, I found the story behind the man bra. All I can say is, enjoy the slide show and video, courtesy of Reuters.
I've watched my wife do this (like every chance I get) so even I know you're supposed to assemble it with the hooks in the front *then* turn it around. Duh.
So the point of all this was…did I have a point? Oh yeah, what’s up with NFL thongs? Just be glad I didn’t make a Packers-cheesehead joke. Merry Christmas.
Because I know you’ll go looking, you can find more Maidenform ads here.
