It's so easy with Floweasy...to kill your family! "Virgin sulfuric acid" so it has to be good.
Sulfuric acid, thirty two ounces. One quart, secured in a plastic bottle which was itself sealed in a plastic bag. Standing there in the plumbing aisle at Lowe’s, that seemed to me the perfect solution to the basement drain problem that’s vexed me for years.
The oft-clogged pipe receives the effluence from the kitchen sink (with attached garbage disposal and dishwasher) on the floor above as well as the clothes washer and a large laundry sink. We don’t do laundry in the laundry sink; it’s filthy from the food that backs up into it when too much is shoved into the disposal. Yes, we clean it but it’s still gross, and besides, who does laundry in a laundry sink? What am I, Amish?
On the bright side the sink was draining, albeit very slowly. My wife ran out and bought some gel heavy duty Liquid Plumr, even though I know liquid drain openers never work, never have worked, and won’t work in this instance. I was not disappointed. The drain was still running slowly after using the whole bottle. We could at least do dishes because the tub sink would hold enough of the nasty dishwater until it drained.
Since that didn’t work very well I decided to repeat the process the next day. My wife buys, by my direction, another bottle of super worthless Liquid Plumr and a bottle of “foaming pipe snake”, because after the drain is cleared by the Liquid Plumr, foaming pipe snake will clean the pipes to like-new condition.
Yes, I am that stupid.
Returning home from work that night I find the drain is no longer running slowly…it’s now not draining at all. I’m ready for this, with my Liquid Plumr and foaming pipe snake. I apply the Liquid Plumr liberally (i.e. the entire bottle), because it will sink to the clog and dissolve it…it says so right on the label. Really! This time it will work! Just in case it doesn’t I run off to Lowe’s to get backup: drain opening crystals. You remember those, right? They were around before liquid drain openers and they always worked. You’d carefully spoon them into the drain, run a little water, and listen to them pop and hiss as they worked their caustic magic. I don’t think you can find them as easily any longer because they actually unclogged drains. One can would last for years, unlike the more expensive/less useful liquid drain openers.
It was there at Lowe’s that I saw the sulfuric acid. I still bought the crystals but once I saw the acid I knew that was the right tool for the job. I was going to teach that drain a lesson…I was going to nuke that clog. I would not be denied the satisfaction of a running drain. The acid is so dangerous it’s double bagged…that alone is testimony to its efficacy! Screw the marketing hype…the bag was company lawyers telling me how powerful the product is!
Returning home I find, much to my unsurprise, standing water. I decide to go to bed and tackle it in the morning. For while the acid will work in standing water I feel it’s better if I apply it to the drain opening directly and surely the water will be gone by then. See, I have a plan…I know what I’m doing.
The next morning I got up at 0430, showered, and headed down to the sink. It was still full of standing water. Thanks Liquid Plumr, for nothing. Time to drop the acid bomb on that clog. But first…safety! Goggles in place, Playtex Living Gloves (color: yellow) donned, I poured a little acid into the pool of water. A gentle hiss was my reward. “Oooh, it’s working! It must be dissolving the residual food!” I continued to pour until half the bottle was gone (according to instructions) and watched…
…for at least as long as I could breathe. Vapors, toxic vapors began rising from the sink! I ran from the room and closed the door behind me as I realized the sink didn’t have just water in it but was full of Liquid Plumr. Ruh roh. This is not a good situation at 5 in the morning, really at any time.
Because our kids kept wanting to go into the basement. "I know it's poisonous, but I just want to get..."
I couldn’t just leave and go to work (“that’s odd, honey, it was fine when I left it”) so I went back in the room to get the bottle of acid, and headed for clean air to read the instructions. I mean, re-read the instructions. “Wear protective gear”…got it…”ventilation”…check, the air conditioner is on…”don’t mix with other drain cleaners”…duh, everyone knows this one. I just forgot there was drain cleaner in the sink. Where’s the part that says what to do if the drain is still clogged? Or the part that says what to do if you’ve turned your sink into a toxic waste site? All the instructions presume the acid works…”after the drain is clear run cool water for 5 minutes.”
And to top it, the chlorine gas was spreading through the house, carried by the air conditioner. That’s one way to air out the basement, also one way to snuff out my family. Killing the a/c (instead of the wife and kids) I darted back into the basement laundry to open the tiny window that sits above the fuming sink of death.
There is no way I can describe the overpowering atmosphere in the laundry room. The air was totally unbreathable, which is to be expected from the “first chemical weapon used effectively in war“. It was really really bad. Makes hydrochloric acid in the lungs, yay. So bad that the door latches on a couple of doors don’t work smoothly now, as chlorine is a powerful oxidizing agent. Corroded the metal, I suppose.
I tried to turn the window latch with a hockey stick…access to the window is blocked by our large front-loading washer and dryer. I can’t hold my breath long enough to get the window open so I ran out to catch my breath, ran back in, hopped on the washer and opened the window.
My heroic action was too late…I hear my wife coming down the stair. It’s somewhere around 6 am and she’s upset to be awakened by a very strong chlorine smell. Should she call the fire department? Evacuate the house? I tried to convince her to go back to bed but she wasn’t that sleepy any longer. Panic will do that to a body I suppose.
In the end I called a plumber. I really wanted my wife to make the call. To me it seemed better to hear her say, “You wouldn’t believe what my stupid husband did…” than for me to say, “You wouldn’t believe what I just did…” I explained the situation to the dispatcher and she told me they’ll be out in the afternoon. They have to let the house air out a bit. You know, because that stuff is poisonous, dangerous. Great.
I wasn’t done with great ideas though (did I mention I emptied our box of baking soda into the sink? I was lucky I didn’t end up with the world’s largest grade school science fair volcano) – the smell had died down so I figured I’d bail the sink out. I scooped a bucket of acid from the sink, grabbed a wastebasket to catch the drips and emptied the bucket into the bathroom sink. The smell had only died down on top…when I disturbed the acid bath, whoa doggie! It was like being punched in the face…about knocked me out.
And on that last act I left the wife and kids to go to work (smelling chlorine the whole day because I didn’t think to change my clothes). I did pick up donuts for them, nice guy that I am. “Just don’t breathe deeply…enjoy the donuts…bye!”
The plumber came around lunchtime. He also tried to bail out the sink and was also nearly knocked flat. Said it was the worst he had ever seen. (Yay me) In the end he cut into the kitchen pipe and used his snake to clear the drain. Incidentally, I have snaked this drain before and it seems the clog is always out of reach of my pipe snake. Apparently his snake is much longer than mine (boom chicka wah wah).
The house smelled like the YMCA pool for 2 days, and we’re all blondes now but other than that (and the corroded door latches) there haven’t been any lasting effects.
Want to know a secret? I’ve still got half a bottle of sulfuric acid, a container of drain opening crystals, and foaming pipe snake. I am so ready for the next clog…my nipples are hard with anticipation.
Live and don’t learn, that’s my motto!
