This is the sewing machine. It's the same brand as our laser printer. I'm sure they'll work well together, after all, they're Brothers.

I don’t know how to sew, neither does my wife.  I’d like to learn…maybe this is my big chance.  Anyway, being the nerd that I am I searched amazon.com for sewing DVDs.

I don't think anyone is going to learn to sew here

Six lousy DVDs related to sewing.  Ever helpful, amazon.com had suggestions.

Amazon's take on sewing? Fuck it. Literally.

Clicking on these images will make them larger, in case you’re new to the Internet.

I look for “how to sew” and amazon.com comes back with “how to sex”.  That phrase doesn’t even make sense.  Why not, “how to sow”?  You know, for tyro farmers.  “How to see”, for blind people…because really it’s just a matter of technique.  “How to saw”? 

The results are rather intriguing, I must admit.  Look at item #1, “How To: Nina Hartley’s Making Love to Women DVD”.  If that’s the top alternative for “how to sew” then quilting bees must be way cooler than I ever suspected.

And where was #3, “Sex: How to Do Everything”, 20 years ago?  You know, if I could do everything myself I’d be single, unemployed, and weigh a totally malnourished 85 pounds. 

The fun never stops at amazon.com

I do not find this woman attractive in any way.

One could infer from the continuing list of “how to sex” DVDs that sex is either harder or more interesting than sewing.  It’s reassuring to know that either way I wisely chose the correct area of home economics to study.

#6 – “How to Make Sex More Fun For Him”.  Come on, really?  How badly do you have to suck to need this DVD?  Errr, let me rephrase that…what the hell are you doing that you need this DVD?  Ok ladies, if just showing up isn’t enough for your man I’ll save you the $25 for this DVD right now.  Bring a friend.  A female friend.  And not the fat chick you hang around with because she doesn’t have a boyfriend or her husband ignores her or because she makes you look skinny.  Bring that hot friend your husband likes…guaranteed there’s at least one.

Except for me, of course.  My wife’s beauty eclipses all others so the thought of another woman makes me physically ill.  But uglier women stuck with lesser men, heed my advice.

Why is there a moose in #8, the how-to guide to oral sex?  Never mind, I don’t want to know.

The beat goes on...

And so it goes…for 12 more pages.  I used Amazon’s convenient feedback form at the bottom of the first page to point out our divergent educational goals for my 11 year old daughter but I have no expectation of satisfaction.  Perhaps they have a DVD for that.

The moral of the story?  Improve your “social” skills and you won’t need to know how to sew…guys will just buy you stuff.

I think I’ll see if Michael’s has any upcoming sewing classes.