I don’t think I can help the “2″ and “4″ searchers but I can now help those looking for Regal movie theater nutritional information.  I called the Regal Entertainment Group customer service number and a few days later they e-mailed me an Excel file with everything I was looking for.  You can download a PDF of the spreadsheet at the bottom of this post.

Here’s a synopsis:

Drink sizes

• Junior (kids): 16 ounces
• Small: 32 oz
• Medium: 44 oz
• Large: 54 oz

Popcorn calories (not including extra salt or butter)

• Small: 450 calories
• Medium: 690 calories
• Large: 900 calories

The Regal kids meal has 254-494 calories.  It doesn’t list a value for the kid size popcorn separately; the lower value is with a diet drink.

How much fat is in the popcorn?  That information wasn’t included in the spreadsheet but I calculate (source 1, source 2) about 21 to 30 grams for the small, 36 to 46 g for the medium, and 42 to 60 g for the large popcorn.  Add more butter, enjoy harder arteries.

Not included in the guide - calorie count for "flavored cuttlefish".

It was interesting to learn that per serving the Blue Raspberry frozen beverage (aka Icee or Slurpee) has nearly twice as many calories per 8 oz serving (117 calories) than the frozen Fanta Cherry (66 calories) or the frozen Coke (65 calories).  Not that you can buy only 8 oz, but that’s what’s given on the information sheet.

Don’t ask to buy a junior or kids size soda either.  I tried to purchase a mere 16 ounces the other day; they wouldn’t sell me that size.  I asked the person in charge (the one running around in the black jacket) and she said they couldn’t sell them separately for “inventory reasons”.  When I asked why they couldn’t count the small cups as easily as the larger cups she said they couldn’t break up the parts of the kids pack.

She may not have the authority to do that but certainly the Regal Entertainment Group does.  Why they don’t, I don’t know.  They only sent me their calorie information, not their accounting spreadsheet (because I’m sure the whole company is run on a single spreadsheet).

By the way, a small bottled water costs $4.25 at Regal, over the counter or in their vending machine.  A kid’s pack (as of this writing, for those that are searching for that): $5.25.  Let’s hear it for my daughter, who has a really cool bag that easily holds 4 bottled drinks and 4 candy bars…huzzah!

In case anyone is wondering, I don’t have it in for Regal.  In fact, I rather like their theater and we go there most often.  We’ve got many choices, theater-wise.  The closest is a Cinemark 24 but that’s our least favorite (no wonder Muvico sold it to them a few months ago).  There’s also a Hoyt’s 14 close by, which isn’t a bad theater, and farthest is an AMC 14.  We probably go to the AMC theater as much as the Regal.

Here’s that nutritional information in PDF format I promised:  Regal Caloric Information Guide

I’m not happy with my children and I’ve made a new year’s resolution to do something about it.  I don’t think my children

My three healthy, abnormal kids (with a random denizen of Williamsburg)

will really fit into the world as adults and I’m concerned about their future well-being.  See, my kids are active, healthy children who eat balanced meals.  They’re not overweight at all…good, strong, trim children.

Look how fat the U.S…the world…has gotten.  Hell, I struggle with it too, but I’ve decided to throw in the towel, let my children play video games all day and eat whatever they want.  I’ll bring home Costco cakes daily if that’s what they want.  This way when they’re adults they’ll fit in with all the other adults and won’t be ostracized because of their healthy bodies and sensible eating habits.

Towards that end I took them to the movies today – what better place is there to fatten them up then a movie theater? 

Is this breakfast, lunch, or dinner? Trick question - it's all 3!

Calorie-laden drinks, greasy popcorn, comfy seats…it’s perfect.  (We saw “Bedtime Stories”, it’s not going to win any awards but it’s cute and harmless).

Fortunately for me and my plan to supersize my kids we went to a Regal Cinema.  It’s there I can fatten them up on the cheap, relatively speaking.  The smallest drink they offer is 32 ounces…that’s one quart…for the bargain price (in bizarro concession world) of $4.50.  Imagine my glee when I discovered I could get points for being  a good dad by getting them small drinks while really serving them a quart of sugar water.  Between the 4 of us we walked away with a gallon of soda – I’ve never been so proud!  Throw in the popcorn and I think we got a month’s worth of calories this afternoon.

Sadly, two of my children forgot to bring their Christmas chocolate, and no one (except me) finished their drinks.  They were punished when we got home – I won’t have disobedient punks ruining my plan.  After all, it’s for their own good.

This reminds me - what's playing at the movies?

Seriously, though, what are the geniuses at Regal Cinema thinking?  I’m sure the other theaters are the same, but normally if our kids get a snack at the theater it’s a kid’s pack – a tiny soda, a handful of popcorn, and a pack of some crappy candy like “Gummi Mary Janes”, all stuffed into a tray highlighting an upcoming marketing opportunity movie .  That’s more reasonable, nutrition-wise, though it’s still a fiscal rip off.  But this rant isn’t about prices; it’s about portions.

I’m not the only one surprised that the smallest drink you can get at Regal Cinema is a Big Gulp (remember when a Big Gulp was perceived to be a giant drink?).  An impromptu survey of people in line next to me at the concession (it takes a while to pour a gallon of soda into 4 containers) revealed others felt the same way.  A lady in her 60′s walked up next to me and ordered a medium soda, took one look at the cup and downgraded her order to a small.

Perhaps her mind is stuck in the olden days, back when a soda at McDonald’s was 7 ounces and a “family size” bottle of Coca-Cola was 26 ounces.

I know what you’re thinking.  I still purchased our drinks so I’m just a fat old windbag.  Well, maybe I am, but next time we go to the movies I’m bringing my secret weapon…my wife and one of her giant purses.  We’re not going to go overboard by bringing rice cakes and apples slices to the theater – that’s just crazy talk.  If the theater won’t cater to the patron then we’ll do our own catering, or use another theater.

Or…start my own theater.  Hmmm…