They sell women’s thong underwear.

I love football, don’t get me wrong, but really?  Are women actually wearing these?  I don’t know that I’d want my wife wearing one…the last thing I want on my mind as I’m diving for the end zone is Ben Roethilsberger. 

Back off, guys. The Cleveland Browns logo is the universal symbol for "not scoring".

 Having trouble getting your man’s attention on Sunday?  Maybe a different logo would bring a change of luck.

"A horseshoe, right side up? I'd better take a shower tonight!"

Yes, nothing says “come hither” like NFL embroidery.  Still, Reebok did try to fem things up a bit in the product description,  “A satin ribbon adds a soft, feminine touch.”

"For the last time, I don't care what you smell, Dolphins are not fish!"

Satin ribbon, brought to you by the same folks who came up with “flowers between the bra cups”.

Flowers...when wearing a bra just isn't feminine enough.

On the other hand, it sure does dress up this Oaktown thong.  Raider Nation, be proud.

"Put on your glasses, dear, I did not forget to shave!"

There does seem to be a limit to tackiness (well, except with me).  Even NASCAR doesn’t sell women’s underwear (count your blessings, Internet).  A search for “thong” at MLB’s shop shows they have a different take than the NFL.

Let's see you fit your legs through those holes.

The NHL shop carries a limited line of women’s thongs as evidenced by this beauty:

I always thought the name "Red Wings" was better suited for a feminine hygiene product, but then I'm a Penguins fan.

If you want to sell lingerie, don’t listen to the sports marketing brainiacs.  They may be able to turn pedestrian items into icons of loyalty but what could they possibly know about selling fine washables?

This would be much cooler (albeit heavier) with 10 yards of chain inside.

No, if you want to sell lingerie, Knicker Picker knows how to do it.

I think this just may be the reason the Internet was invented.  Really.  If the lingerie came with working remote control arrows (don’t be shy, go ahead and click them) I swear I would buy every item on their site.  Twice. 

And not because the arrows would let me live out my Stepfordian fantasies, not at all.  I’m fascinated by business and marketing and I think this is a brilliant way to sell lingerie.  Can’t you see the brilliance?  Maybe you’re not looking close enough. Click the “full-screen” button and fill your screen with brilliance.  Don Draper couldn’t have done it better himself.  Why not show how your product works?  Right?  That’s why amazon.com allows random mouth-breathers from the web to upload video product reviews.  Because it sells.  Throw some breasteses into the mix and…umm…

Hey look, more pictures!  In just 50 years look how far technology has taken us.

She won the Cy Young award that year since no one was able to get past first base with her. That bra is sturdy, plus she's wearing a lampshade!

I think the Arabic reads, "I dreamed I waged jihad"...she looks kind of pissed off though she's rockin' those Hammer pants.

The Stepford dreams of an earlier generation. Disturbing.

Screw the chopsticks, I'm using my hands.

You can tell they're for men because they lack both ribbons and flowers.

I've watched my wife do this (like every chance I get) so even I know you're supposed to assemble it with the hooks in the front *then* turn it around. Duh.

So the point of all this was…did I have a point?  Oh yeah, what’s up with NFL thongs?  Just be glad I didn’t make a Packers-cheesehead joke.  Merry Christmas.

Because I know you’ll go looking, you can find more Maidenform ads here.

I never realized it, but Rachael Ray is kind of hot.  The FHM website is blocked (curse you Qatari censors!) but fortunately I have the full Internet installed on my computer so I was able to find these pictures.  I may have to break up with Martha Stewart now…

Pie? I told you to make me a sammich, woman!

This is how the clever homemaker distracts attention from the horrendous wallpaper.

Uhhhh....