Hyper Dad - Life, unfiltered » Job

Confessions of a Narcissist

Paul — Sat, 09 Jan 2010 03:56:35 +0000

From: Human Resources Department
To: Me

If you or your spouse is planning to have a baby, let our Wellness Team know, and you can win a gift card through our We Love Babies! Program.

[...]

Please contact Emily [...] to notify us about the pregnancy and to submit your name in the drawing for the gift card.

From: Me
To: Emily

“…you or your spouse…”?

So if I’m planning on having a kid but my wife isn’t, can I enter? I’ll have to check with her to see if she’s planning on having one that I don’t know about…come to think of it, maybe that extra weight she’s carrying isn’t because of the holidays like she said!

I’ll get back to you when I know more

p

From: Emily
To: Me

Paul,

I hope your wife enjoys your sense of humor as much as you do.

Here’s hoping for a happy New Year to you both!

Emily

In addition to finding me funny, I also secretly believe every woman finds me attractive. If they don’t it’s only an act to hide their true feelings…as Emily cleverly demonstrated.

Welcome to Htrae

Paul — Sun, 26 Jul 2009 16:27:30 +0000

I wondered why he was hanging around my house.

I thought I’d return home from my deployment and find things as they were, but clearly something happened on the flight home and I’ve returned to Bizarro World. I should have known: my kitchen/dining area is nice, open and light instead of the dark, laminated cave I’d left. My wife, now trim and buff (two tickets to the gun show please), had been going to the gym regularly. She even wired up new ceiling lights…and didn’t die from it.

Still, being somewhat slow of brain, it took me a while to catch on. Only when I ventured out into the real world did I learn about the alternate reality I’d landed in.

In an earlier episode I wrote about my life-wide reset. To recap, I need two new jobs: a “day” job and an Air Force Reserves job. Scheduled on the day after a camping trip were two appointments that held promise of advancing my quest to satisfy my job needs.

First up was lunch with the senior Reservist in Air Force weather, someone who works directly for the director of Air Force weather. While this wasn’t strictly a job interview he does hold some sway and impressing him could only be helpful in finding a new position.

I’m generally quite good in these types of situations - meetings, interviews, and introductions to parents. I’m skilled at feigning intelligence and can usually bust out the right word or an appropriate story as required. I’m like a movie set…things might look good at first, just don’t poke around too much. In other words, to know me is to hate me…I make a good first impression but my lustre diminishes with time (hence the rapid courtship of my wife).

On this day, however, I couldn’t pull it off. My head was full of so many things to talk about and it was as if they were all fighting to come out at the same time. I could only watch myself spew forth this stream of consciousness rambling…bouncing from one topic to the next, the whole narrative bound loosely by a nearly invisible thread. I wanted to stop but the words just kept flowing.

Fortunately the food soon arrived, giving me something else to do with my mouth.

I removed the toothpick from one half of my wrap and took a bite, promptly ejecting tomato pieces, avocado, and dressing into my lap. There was no way to pretend this didn’t happen so I made some small joke and cleaned up as best I could.

I then stabbed myself in the face.

A dramatic dramatization of the events at lunch.

Halfway through my second bite I discovered my failure to remove an unseen additional toothpick. This eureka moment came courtesy of the piercing of my chin and consequent bleeding. Staunching the flow with an index finger I excused myself and made my way to the bathroom where I was overjoyed to find I didn’t bleed on my shirt.

Thanks to my rigorous pre-deployment training I heroically applied direct pressure to the wound, though in the interest of time I really wished I’d brought along some QuikClot. After a minute the bleeding had slowed enough that the slow ooze of vital fluid could be managed through normal napkin use.

You know those ubiquitous bathroom hand dryers, the ones where “on” is scratched out from the instructive “Press Button” placard and that aren’t really much help in drying one’s hands? It turns out they are good for one thing…drying a wet shirt. As is to be expected on this day, I happened to be wearing a wet shirt in the only bathroom lacking a hand dryer on the east coast, having splashed water on myself as I cleaned the dried blood off my chin.

I handled this latest crisis with the same aplomb with which I tackled my punctured chin: I grabbed a paper towel and fanned myself like a Victorian lady in her final throes before hitting the fainting couch.

Yes, it’s overdramatization day here at hyperdad.com.

Surprisingly, my lunch companion was still waiting for me when I returned to the table some minutes later. I’m sure he was thinking that lunch with a damp, babbling, bleeding idiot wasn’t the best use of his time, but I guess his chicken salad sandwich was too good to part with. For the rest of lunch I worked to keep the food in my mouth and the words in my head.

Just as surprisingly as his continued presence at lunch, he talked about some real job opportunities that he thinks I would be a good fit for. No, not street sweeping, toilet cleaning, or sidewalk gum removal…actual thinking jobs, with responsibilities no less (though in truth I’d probably be just as happy sweeping streets, cleaning toilets, or prying up gum).

When I got to my truck I called my wife. “How’d it go?”, she asked. “It was a complete and utter disaster”, I replied, “but I think things may work out great.”

A few hours later I was off to a job interview. There are a few companies that ping me from time to time asking if I’d consider a switch, so I figured while I’ve got some time off I’d chat with them.

When interviewing for a job I’m old school: suit and tie are required. My suit was already too big on me…in my post-deployment reduced state it’s definitely unwearable (my wife said I looked like I was “playing dress up” when I tried on the coat). I grabbed a tie and made the most of what I had. I still had on my pants from lunch…they looked clean enough to me. Louise had previously assaulted the dressing stain with a Tide To Go pen and I went at it with a wet paper towel. She didn’t think they were clean enough to wear but they looked fine to me (and it seemed like a lot of work to change them) so I headed out the door.

Driving towards the interview location I looked down at my pants. Louise was right – the stain was glaringly obvious. I guess it was the angle or the light in the bedroom…I could have sworn the stain was gone. Since the spot was on my right leg I couldn’t just keep my hand in front of it – handshakes are usually de rigueur at interviews – I’d have to hold my portfolio in my left hand and use it to cover the stain on the right.

Hey, Paul, is that a portfolio you’re holding or are you just happy to be interviewing with us?

During this meeting I faced the opposite problem from my lunch meeting: I couldn’t get a word in edgewise. I spent most of my 2+ hours there with the head of the division in which I’d be working. I tried to speak a few words in during his monologue but he’d cut me short and keep talking. I learned about the company history, his employment history, the division’s history, their employment philosophy, and a meteorologist he’d heard on the radio.

Finally, I had my chance.

“Well, Paul”, he started, “as you know interviews have two parts. We’ve just covered the first part…”

Here’s my chance, I thought. The first part is where he sells me on the company; the second part is where he asks me questions about my knowledge, my goals, and what kind of animal I’d be. It’s time for me to shine…he told me in no uncertain terms that they’re very picky about who they bring on board.

He continued, “…now we’ll just need to make you a contingency offer so we can shop you to different contracts. I’d really like to bring you on board with us.”

I quickly shut my mouth and cocked my head to the side as if to say, “but of course.”

When in doubt throw in an Office Space shot; there's one for any occasion. Here's me getting a job offer without even trying.

I’m stained, un-suited, carrying around a folder in front of me like a priapismic teenager, and this guy is talking about making me an offer during the interview. That’s the blind date equivalent of the woman ripping off her top after the appetizer. It just doesn’t work like that (at least not on the blind dates I’ve been on).

Reviewing the box score for the day, I run my mouth, dump food on myself, and start bleeding…successful meeting. I show up to an interview underdressed, holding a folder in an odd manner, don’t say a word…likely job offer.

Of course I’ve only got two birds in the bush and I need them in my hand, but at least they’re pecking around the seed I’m holding out, but it’s not seed I’m holding out but a low quality imitation seed that…

Crap. that’s my sign to stop typing…my metaphor tank is on empty.

Still…weird day.

Avoid missing ball for high score.

Paul — Thu, 28 May 2009 20:47:14 +0000

First, a brief apology to my wife for what I know will be a disappointing post for her. There’s always something going wrong at home, from basement flooding to head lice (I know I’ve told her not to share her hairbrush with the other moms in the neighborhood…). She’s told me a couple of times, “I need a new post. Write something funny”, yet I’ve had my own things going on here and the funny just hasn’t been flowing. It’s like when I have to pee for a drug test. I can try as hard as I want but if someone’s watching it ain’t happening. So…sorry for the boring post, hon. And everyone else for that matter…I know long posts suck…so many words! I don’t like them either.

Follow my plan and you too can hit "reset" on your life!

As my deployment day drew closer I began to think, “why the hell did I volunteer to go overseas?” Mostly I thought that when I was sad about leaving the family behind. In truth, part of me was looking forward to coming here. I had so much on my plate that the forced simplification of my daily activities would be a welcome respite (and it has been). I’d often said that deploying would be like hitting the reset button on my life.

I didn’t know how accurate that statement would be.

Reset #1:I’m now looking for a new job in the Reserves. I was on the already on the fence about staying with my current unit, but after time spent navel-gazing here I decided it was best to move on. The reasons are long and complex and it would be neither appropriate nor interesting for me to discuss them here in detail. The short version is I didn’t want the job I would end up with and I didn’t want to work for the unit’s commander.

When the commander offered me that job I wrote him back and told him why I didn’t want it and why I didn’t want to work for him. I’m sure a simple “no thank you” would have been sufficient but I felt I should share my thoughts in a respectful and professional manner.

Yeah, that didn’t work out so well. He took it as a personal attack, struck back, and eventually cut off our correspondence. I suspect there’s more to come…but I can’t talk about that now.

Reset #2: I’m now looking for a new project in my day job (I work for a company under contract to the government). I guess after nearly 3 years the magic between myself and my government boss Pita (seen here) is gone. I’m not good with high-maintenance people (my bride will attest to that) so Pita is bringing back the person I replaced…a really good guy who isn’t much of a software developer but is great with people and doing the requisite government paperwork.

This doesn’t mean I’m unemployed – I’m still with the same company – I just have no work to do. It’s known as being “on the bench”. I’ll find another project to go to, and failing that, go to a different company.

Reset #3: I’ve decided to add to my household by picking up a Qatari bride or two (I think the limit is 4 but why be greedy?). My Internet access outside of work is through Qatar’s sole ISP, QTel (censored courtesy of the government), so the ads I’m shown are targeted at people in the Middle East. I’ve found the qiran.com ads to be quite intriguing.

It must be love...look at all the hearts!

My night off is Tuesday night; that’s when I chat on Skype with my family. I really look forward to it – while Louise doesn’t get a big thrill out of seeing my pixellated mug on her screen and the kids just want me to turn on the webcam’s special effects I love seeing the lot of them. The kids show me their latest Lego creations and last night our budding musician Jack played a song he learned on the keyboard. The connection wasn’t too good last night so we had to go to voice only halfway through Isabelle’s time but at least we got to talk.

Jack playing a tune for me on a really big keyboard.

My wife, it turns out, is a little stressed out. Not so much about Reset #1 (and she doesn’t know about Reset #3…well she does now but she didn’t then), but Reset #2 has her concerned. She’d prefer to continue in the manner to which she’s become accustomed, i.e. she doesn’t want to live in a cardboard box under an overpass, or move from state park to state park, camping 2 weeks at a time.

At times like this (i.e. she’s stressed out) our styles clash. I make jokes, good times or bad. It’s my way of being bigger than the problems, after all, if there’s something to laugh about how bad can things be? Louise prefers a more somber approach and feels my jokes show a lack of concern and compassion. I’m working on being better about it, just for her (even if she’s going to be augmented by a couple of non-English speaking women).

Because the network connection degraded, as all the day shifters awoke and jumped online we had to resort to typing to finish our conversation. Thus I am able to present an excerpt of our conversation, so you can see what she has to put up with.

[3:44:39 AM] Paul: you can’t worry about everything. let me worry about stuff too
[3:44:56 AM] Louise: the call keeps breaking up. i just want to say goodnight, if that’s okay
[3:45:08 AM] Louise: you don’t act like you are worried,–and that worries me! lol
[3:45:22 AM] Paul: I just handle it differently than you
[3:45:31 AM] Paul: We’ll be fine
[3:45:42 AM] Paul: and you didn’t lift your shirt up for me, darn it
[3:45:47 AM] Louise: that’s fine, but when you are so blase` about it, i think you don’t get it and don’t care.
[3:45:54 AM] Paul: I get it and I care
[3:45:56 AM] Louise: see, that’s what i mean.
[3:46:20 AM] Paul: I’ve got a wife with an uncontrollable spending habit and 2 kids with orthodontia addictions
[3:46:20 AM] Louise: this is important to me and you can’t even focus long enough for me to feel like you are listening
[3:46:22 AM] Paul: I get it
[3:46:26 AM] Paul: lol
[3:46:31 AM] Paul: Humor is how I deal
[3:46:34 AM] Louise: i’m not uncontrollable
[3:46:36 AM] Paul: you should know that by now
[3:46:48 AM] Paul: How do you stop an elephant from charging?
[3:46:53 AM] Louise: and you should know by now that i won’t laugh
[3:46:55 AM] Paul: take away her credit cards!
[3:47:01 AM] Paul: bwahahah
[3:47:04 AM] Louise: ha ha
[3:47:13 AM] Paul: you smiled, I know it
[3:47:19 AM] Louise: sure.
[3:47:23 AM] Louise: if you say so.
[3:47:26 AM] Louise: my eyes are killing me
[3:47:29 AM] Paul: you don’t have to laugh, but it works for me
[3:47:36 AM] Paul: well, your face is killing me
[3:47:47 AM] Louise: i just wish you would be a bit more sensitive to how i feel
[3:47:50 AM] Paul: ooh, call him butter cuz he’s on a roll
[3:47:58 AM] Louise: okay, clearly this is going nowhere fast
[3:48:04 AM] Paul: I am sensitive
[3:48:16 AM] Paul: I tell you everything’s going to be all right
[3:48:21 AM] Paul: I say trust me
[3:48:25 AM] Louise: okay, fine
[3:48:26 AM] Paul: I have a plan
[3:48:36 AM] Louise: no, no plan
[3:48:38 AM] Louise: we can’t afford plans
[3:48:45 AM] Paul: and you want me to what, go around saying OMFG!!11!!11!
[3:48:57 AM] Louise: this is not the time to break out and start your own business or anything insane like that.
[3:49:02 AM] Paul: no you retard
[3:49:08 AM] Paul: I mean a plan to stay employed
[3:49:12 AM] Louise: no, i don’t. i just wish you would show some compassion for a change
[3:49:25 AM] Paul: I have a plan to sell you to a russian businessman, that’s my plan
[3:49:36 AM] Louise: if he’s rich, i’m thre.
[3:49:37 AM] Louise: there.
[3:49:42 AM] Paul: woot
[3:49:44 AM] Paul: ftw!
[3:49:49 AM] Louise: okay, let me go.
[3:49:51 AM] Paul: I am compassionate
[3:49:56 AM] Louise: cindy is calling my name
[3:50:04 AM] Louise: not that much right now
[3:50:06 AM] Paul: cindy who?
[3:50:12 AM] Paul: cindy lou who?
[3:50:15 AM] Louise: cindy, my ice cream
[3:50:20 AM] Paul: ah so
[3:50:23 AM] Paul: Sure
[3:50:47 AM] Paul: but look at me…and the kitchen. Am I worried about it? No, because I trust you
[3:50:51 AM] Paul: Not because I don’t care
[3:50:54 AM] Louise: you should
[3:50:57 AM] Paul: I make better use of the kitchen than you
[3:51:07 AM] Louise: yes, and i recognize tat.
[3:51:07 AM] Louise: that
[3:51:10 AM] Paul: But I can let it go and let you have ownership of it
[3:51:15 AM] Paul: same with the money
[3:51:23 AM] Paul: I’m not looking over your shoulder
[3:51:37 AM] Louise: everything i have done or will do is with you in mind and what would please you
[3:51:40 AM] Louise: that’s been very important to me.
[3:51:50 AM] Paul: except lifting your shirt
[3:51:54 AM] Paul: but other than that, sure
[3:51:55 AM] Louise: sigh
[3:51:57 AM] Paul: lol
[3:51:58 AM] Louise: good night, Paul

With my luck it would start out like this...

We carried on in a similar manner for another 8 minutes or so, and I think I got her to agree to let me worry about the job situation, which was my whole point.

So what’s ahead? Beats me, but the unknown is always exciting and I’m looking forward to see how this turns out. After all, I’m still employed and if I can’t find another suitable contract when I get back from this deployment there are other options. I’ve got two companies waiting for me to return home so they can talk to me about positions and I have a number of headhunter contacts…I received an e-mail from one while I was writing this post in fact.

Of course, I could always start my own company. The government agency we support is extremely small business friendly and it wouldn’t take much to strike out on my own. However, my heart isn’t in government contracting…it just pays the bills so I don’t want to go that route. A little trivia…Pita once tried to persuade me and another guy to leave our employer, start our own company, and she would give us the contract (it was up for renewal). It took about 5 seconds to decide to pass on that offer…not only would it be unethical, there’s no way I wanted to tie myself to her for a living. Yep, made the right call there.

...and end up like this.

You know, I think I’ll just stick with my one wife too. She’s smart, she keeps me honest, she’s great looking, and not least of all she puts up with me (most days). That’s pretty hard to capture in a profile at qiran.com.

Resets aren’t a bad thing. I get to go in a new direction, or at least change the scenery a bit. It’s easy to get stuck in a rut – I like variety. One big thing I miss about being on active duty in the Air Force is moving every few years. Wait…inspiration has struck!

Life is like a snow globe – it’s more fun if you shake it up once in a while.

Ooh…maybe I could go into the t-shirt/fortune cookie business.

And on the bright side, things could be worse. I’ll take a reset over “game over” any day.