I never did hear from Matt or Stu...

While I’ve stopped selling on Craigslist I’ve found it’s a great place to give things away.  No matter what trash you’ve got someone will come to your house and take it.

The response to a giveaway can be pretty overwhelming, like two virgins on their wedding night.  They know they’re supposed to do something and they kind of know how it’s supposed to go down (so to speak), and even though the details aren’t quite clear they’re still motivated to make it happen.

For example, deciding upon whom I will bestow my baubles is difficult.  Do I adopt a policy of “first come, first served” and reward those who have time to hit “refresh” on the free ads?  At least one person will bring a sob story to the table…do I believe it and take pity on them?  How about names in a hat?  With multiple items should I divide up the loot?

After I pick the lucky winner(s) I then have to arrange the transfer of goods.  Arrange a meeting in a neutral place?  Deliver?  Have them come to my house?

I’ve tried variations of all of the above (except delivery) and haven’t really been satisfied with the results.  Sure, my stuff gets gone but it’s still a chore to wade through the e-mails and arrange the exchange.

After much thought I think I’ve hit on a system to weed out the morons and give me a way to rank the supplicants.

I have them bring me a shrubbery.  One that looks nice and is not too expensive.  So far only Roger the Shrubber has responded.

Ok, no shrubs. 

Jokes.

I inherited my brother’s collection of about 20 XBox games…not XBox 360, just XBox.  Their trade-in value is nil.  I was going to toss them but I figured maybe someone could use them so I put an ad on Craigslist, giving them away.

In the ad I said I’d meet at the local mall and listed all the games, one per line.  At the bottom I laid out the conditions: send me a clean joke, best joke wins.  I figured that would weed out a bunch…those who didn’t take the time to read my whole message at the very least.  Some did come through with jokes, if not the actual transfer of goods.  I had to post the ad twice to get the games gone.

Most of the games were M and T rated like Hitman, Hitman 2, GTA 3, Gun, you get the idea.  There were a few sports games from 2006 as well.

Without any further ado, here is my gift to you..the best jokes on Craigslist.  The top non-jokes are below.

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.”

“My darling,” he replied, “I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”

An elderly man who denies he is being forgetful was asked by his wife to get a cup of coffee at midnight. “Oh sure my dear, and what else?” “That’s it honey, the last time you got me a coffee, you forgot to put sugar and cream,” the old wife remarked. “That’s not true, for as long as I can remember, I do not forget anything,” boasts the grandpa. “OK sweetheart, in that case, please get me some cookies too,” was the sweet reply of grandma. “As you wish my dear,” says the hubby, then he adds, “by the way, how do I go to the kitchen?”

If you can’t come up with a joke, try bribery…

You know you’re a redneck jedi when..‏

You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca. 

PS iLL GIVE YOU 20 BUCKS! 

A helicopter pilot is flying to Seattle, and hits a pea-soup-thick fog bank. He’s completely disoriented, and flies blindly around until he spies the top few floors of an office building. He pulls up real close to it, and gets the attention of a woman sitting at her desk.
“Excuse me!” he yells to the woman. “Where am I?”
“You’re in a helicopter,” she replies.
The pilot pulls off sharply to the left, takes one or two crisp turns through the dense fog, and then does a perfect blind landing at the Seattle-Tacoma Airport.
“That was amazing!” says a passenger. “How did you know from that woman’s answer where you were?”
“Easy,” says the pilot. “Her answer, while correct, was absolutely useless.
So I immediately knew the building had to be Microsoft Tech Support.”.

This joke was too dumb, even for me…thanks for the caps lock love, old timer.

well I don’t know how funny it is but you can tell it to your kids & their kids. it goes ‘ WANT TO HER A DIRTY JOKE ? THE WHITE HORSE FELL IN THE MUD.’ my grandchildren love it

A dentist a nurse and a army general are flying.
The dentist decides to drop a tooth brush out of the plane. The nurse drops down a medical kit and the army general drops a bomb.

They land the airplane and see what happened…

First they found a guy looking for his false teeth.

Next they found a guy bandaging his wounds.

Lastly they found a young boy laughing his head off.

They asked him what happened and he said, “My grandfather farted and blew up his house.”

Girl: What if a boy hugs me?
Mom: Say Don’t
Girl: What if he kisses me?
Mom: Say stop.
The next day when the girl goes to school her boyfriend hugs and kisses her well so she says as her mother told her to do and she quickly said DON’T STOP!!!!!…..

As a meteorologist, I appreciated this one…

How many meterologists does it take to make an accurate weather forcast? I will let you know when it happens. I know, not very funny but appropriate today.

All I can say to this is ewww….

an old woman took her husband to the doctors for a check up. after the exam the doctor said, ‘mr philips, i’m going to need a urine and stool sample and the old woman imediatly said well just take his underware.

I liked this one, my wife didn’t.

A golfer stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity. Looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts.

Finally his exasperated partner says, “What’s taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!”

The guy answers, “My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.”

“Forget it, man, you’ll never hit her from here!”.

I appreciate the effort that went into this one…

Ole is a farmer in Minnesota . He is in need of a new milk cow and hears about a nice one for sale over in Nordakota (that would be North Dakota for you non-Scandahoovians out there).

He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow. He reaches under to see if the cow gives milk.

When he grabs a teat and pulls…the cow farts. Surprised, Ole looks at the farmer who’s selling the cow, then reaches under to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out however, so after some discussion with the cow’s current owner, Ole decides to buy
the cow.

When he gets back to Minnesota , he calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says, ‘Hey, Sven, come and look at dis ere new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens.’

Sven reaches under, pulls the teat…the cow farts.

Sven looks at Ole and says, ‘You bought dis here cow in Nordakota, didn’t yah?’

Ole is very surprised since he hadn’t told Sven about his trip. Ole replies, ‘Yah, dats right. But how did yah know?’

Sven says, ‘My wife is from Nordakota.’

There was once a magician on a cruise ship who performed mainly sleight of hand tricks. He had a regular spot on the ship’s cabaret evening entertainment. He was actually quite a good magician, but his routines were regularly ruined by the onboard parrot who would fly around squawking out and giving away his secrets like:

“IT’S UP HIS SLEEVE, IT’S UP HIS SLEEVE!”or

“IT’S IN HIS POCKET, IT’S IN HIS POCKET!”or

“IT’S IN HIS MOUTH, IT’S IN HIS MOUTH!”
The magician was getting pretty sick of this and threatened to kill the parrot if it ruined his act one more time. That evening right at the climax of his act, just as he was about to disappear in a puff of smoke, the ship hit an iceberg and sank in seconds.

Amazingly, the magician and the parrot were the only two survivors. The magician was lying on a piece of driftwood in a daze. As he opened his eyes he could see the parrot staring at him out of its beady little eye.

The parrot sat there for hours just staring at him and eventually said, “OK, I give up, what did you do with the ship?”

A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit; she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.

After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says “I want you to see this.” She puts a worm in the water, and it swims around.

She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, “what do you have to say about this experiment?”

He responds by saying: “If I drink whiskey, I won’t get worms!”

I’m easy to please…I like puns.  This was the original winner but he didn’t respond to his winning notice in a timely manner…

Hey! Have you heard about the guy who lost all of his left side on that car accident?
He’s alright now…

I now present to you…

The Best Joke from Craigslist:

What do you call a woman with one leg? -Eileen Where does Eileen work at? -Ihop     Baaaaahahahahaha!!!

To which I added, “what do you say to Eileen when you see her hitchhiking?  Hop in!”

I received quite a few e-mails saying, “I don’t have any jokes but I’d like the games anyway.”  Really?  Couldn’t find any jokes on the whole Internet?  I was going to send them a link (http://tinyurl.com/y9q6lb9) as a consolation prize but, well, it sounded like a lot of work and I really didn’t want a dialog with the, um, duller side of Craigslist.

Still, some tried to get the games by other means:

I was going to buy this guy an XBox but he forgot to include the joke.  So close and yet…so far.

Would love to receive a xbox 4 a good joke

Hey, father figure, Grand Theft Auto isn’t really a kid’s game.  Thanks for the giant picture of you and your nephew though…

Just bought nephew 7 year old nephew for Christmas a brand new regular Xbox and he doesn’t have many games at all and would really appreciate them. Not a good joke teller but how can you say no to this picture, my Al(my nephew) is my world and I’m his father figure as his father don’t have nothing to do with him. Let me know.

He came back for round two with another picture…

I emailed you last week and you never responded to my email saying I would take them off your hands and sent you a picture of my cute nephew they would be going to. I just bought him a Original Xbox for Christmas and he doesn’t have many games. He would really appreciate them. Don’t tell good jokes but how could you turn down this face. See picture of my nephew.

Perhaps this person can get together for a playdate with the uncle…

Hello if you still have your xbox please let me know I wanted to buy for my 6yr please let me know if its avalble i live in laurel

…and this family…

My 5 yr old has been playing an Atari ( sp) style game and has no clue what a real or even semi new game is like. I would love this for him. Its my 3 yr olds birthday also on the 7th he plays the other game too and loves it. This may be older but it would blow their minds. ….. my hubby would enjoy also..

Did you know that not only can you find jokes on the Internet, you can check the spelling of words?  True fact!

It took all my willpower not to reply to this e-mail…

I don’t know any funny jokes, but if you don’t find anyone I have a cousin who is in a wheelchair who collects video games. She has almost all the systems. I wouldn’t be able to pick them up til this weekend. Id bring her with me so you can see this is not a scam.

Hell, Bob Cratchit didn’t even stoop to pimping Tiny Tim for a decent-sized plum pudding and you’re going to haul your wheelchair-bound cousin around for a $10 lot of videogames?  Have some dignity ferchrissakes!

And how would that even go down?  Would I peek in the van, “yep, she’s crippled” and hand over the games”? 

It still could have been a scam anyway.  How could I know the cousin wasn’t faking it, that they didn’t keep a wheelchair around just to get free stuff?  Throw a videogame over her head and see if she stood up to catch it?

Either way, uncomfortable moment.  The joke method did the trick just fine.

Still, I have to wonder…was the cousin’s name “Eileen”?