I'm fatter than I thought, thanks to the clothing companies

Back from the desert I thought I was all that.  I’d been working out for months (bringing it daily with P90X), losing weight, gaining muscle, and my weight was below 200 for the first time in years.  My clothes were too big on me so my wife took me shopping.  I’m not vain, but I was pretty pleased that I was comfortably wearing 33 inch waist shorts and slacks.  Heck, I was wearing a 32″ waist in college, so I’m doing pretty good.

Or so I thought.

I’d fallen off my workout regimen since I’ve been back, what with vacation and all.  Tomorrow I start back at work so I figured it’s the perfect time to start fresh with P90X, taking measurements and pictures as directed.

Stripped down to my skivvies, Louise tapes me.  16 1/8″ neck…that’s good.  I was up around 17 1/2 at some point in the past.

Hips and waist: 39″. 

Why, that can’t be right…how can I fit into 33″ shorts with a 39″ trunk?  I know what you’re thinking: “muffin top”.  I don’t have a muffin top.  Maybe a little bumper around the bodywork, but definitely not a muffin top.

Louise claims to know the answer…”vanity sizing”, she says.  Ha.  They only do that for women’s clothes…men don’t need it, right?  Right?

Wrong.

We measured.  Three times.  My 33″ waist shorts actually are 37″ around.  I even measured the measuring tape, just to be safe.

I’m crushed.

I shouldn’t be.  As my wife helpfully pointed out, “do you really think you’re about the same size you were in high school and college?  Come on now.”

Shut up, woman.

To prove her point I dug up some old pictures of me…pictures of when I was likely to have had a 32 or 33 inch waist.  I don’t think I look like that now.  My clothes have expanded with my waistline.

Stupid clothing companies, messing with my mind.  I’m going to eat some Ben and Jerry’s…that will make it all better.

I know how that sounds.  Don’t worry, it’s just my “man period” talking (or “manstrual cycle”, to be technical).

And now, I present Mini-me.

1985: skydiving for my 21st birthday

How could I not be cool with a radio tucked inside my shirt?

1986: Field training for Air Force ROTC.

"Top Gun" had come out that year and those of us going on to the flight screening program had just been issued flight suits, and, well...shut up.

1988:  Houlihan’s to Houlihan’s, across the Golden Gate Bridge.

Please stop staring at my shorts. My thighs chafe, ok?

1992: Playing basketball while deployed to Taif, Saudi Arabia

With a shooting technique like that, you know the shot went in.