Revenge of the Moviegoers – Fat America Strikes Back

Now playing at a Regal Cinema near you…

The three people who regularly read my ramblings (hi Louise, Tony, and Steve) may recall my recent movie theater rant.  My wife and I went back there tonight (yes yes, I’m either a big fat hypocrite, lazy, or a pussy for going where my wife tells me to – take your pick) where I made an interesting discovery while observing those around me.

People aren’t submitting to the coercion of the concession, the reign of refreshments, the tyranny of the, uh…the despotism of the, no…the monocracy of the movie theater people.  Which I guess wouldn’t be a monocracy, now would it?  Well, had I a vaster vocabulary that would have been alliteratively awesome.

"Lay off Regal Cinema, would ya?!"

Older lady walks up next to me (different older lady than the last story), orders a kid’s pack.  Soda, popcorn, but Skittles?  Pleh.  I comment on that, because I’m intrusive that way, and she says she just takes the Skittles and gives them to the kids at work.  I didn’t ask which sweatshop she works in or if I could get some discount shirts but it dawns on me – I can bring my own candy (as discussed before), get the kid’s pack, toss the Skittles, and save on cash and calories.  Clever!

Apparently I’m at best the fourth person to realize the genius of this plot.  The gentleman behind older lady (he is therefore older than I am because that’s how we show our bias against older women.  Older guys are “gentlemen” and “distinguished”.  Older women are “old” and “distinguished”, the latter not particularly complimentary to the fairer sex) comes up and orders two kid’s packs…and there are no kids around.  It seems the distinguished gentleman is enjoying a night out with an old woman.

So suck it, Regal Cinemas.  I’m buying a kid’s pack next time while loading my jacket with goodies.  I’m joining the revolution of the rotund, the uprising of Uhmericans!

Yes, I often base my opinions on a single data point.  I’m just that good.

On a related note, go see Gran Torino.  It’s a great guy movie and there aren’t even any bared breasts.  Think Field of Dreams or Saving Private Ryan.  Clint Eastwood is beyond distinguished though his character is a gentleman in his own way.  The audience was spellbound – quiet during the quiet parts, laughing during the funny parts, and applauding at the end.  The movie even got a standing ovation – right before everyone left they all stood up.  We gave it a “standing O” (as we cool entertainment-savvy types like to say) too but we waited until the end of the credits.

Don’t forget the kid’s pack.