If you’re looking for nutritional information for Regal Cinema go read this post instead.
I’m not happy with my children and I’ve made a new year’s resolution to do something about it. I don’t think my children
My three healthy, abnormal kids (with a random denizen of Williamsburg)
will really fit into the world as adults and I’m concerned about their future well-being. See, my kids are active, healthy children who eat balanced meals. They’re not overweight at all…good, strong, trim children.
Look how fat the U.S…the world…has gotten. Hell, I struggle with it too, but I’ve decided to throw in the towel, let my children play video games all day and eat whatever they want. I’ll bring home Costco cakes daily if that’s what they want. This way when they’re adults they’ll fit in with all the other adults and won’t be ostracized because of their healthy bodies and sensible eating habits.
Towards that end I took them to the movies today – what better place is there to fatten them up then a movie theater?
Is this breakfast, lunch, or dinner? Trick question - it's all 3!
Calorie-laden drinks, greasy popcorn, comfy seats…it’s perfect. (We saw “Bedtime Stories”, it’s not going to win any awards but it’s cute and harmless).
Fortunately for me and my plan to supersize my kids we went to a Regal Cinema. It’s there I can fatten them up on the cheap, relatively speaking. The smallest drink they offer is 32 ounces…that’s one quart…for the bargain price (in bizarro concession world) of $4.50. Imagine my glee when I discovered I could get points for being a good dad by getting them small drinks while really serving them a quart of sugar water. Between the 4 of us we walked away with a gallon of soda – I’ve never been so proud! Throw in the popcorn and I think we got a month’s worth of calories this afternoon.
Sadly, two of my children forgot to bring their Christmas chocolate, and no one (except me) finished their drinks. They were punished when we got home – I won’t have disobedient punks ruining my plan. After all, it’s for their own good.
This reminds me - what's playing at the movies?
Seriously, though, what are the geniuses at Regal Cinema thinking? I’m sure the other theaters are the same, but normally if our kids get a snack at the theater it’s a kid’s pack – a tiny soda, a handful of popcorn, and a pack of some crappy candy like “Gummi Mary Janes”, all stuffed into a tray highlighting an upcoming marketing opportunity movie . That’s more reasonable, nutrition-wise, though it’s still a fiscal rip off. But this rant isn’t about prices; it’s about portions.
I’m not the only one surprised that the smallest drink you can get at Regal Cinema is a Big Gulp (remember when a Big Gulp was perceived to be a giant drink?). An impromptu survey of people in line next to me at the concession (it takes a while to pour a gallon of soda into 4 containers) revealed others felt the same way. A lady in her 60′s walked up next to me and ordered a medium soda, took one look at the cup and downgraded her order to a small.
Perhaps her mind is stuck in the olden days, back when a soda at McDonald’s was 7 ounces and a “family size” bottle of Coca-Cola was 26 ounces.
I know what you’re thinking. I still purchased our drinks so I’m just a fat old windbag. Well, maybe I am, but next time we go to the movies I’m bringing my secret weapon…my wife and one of her giant purses. We’re not going to go overboard by bringing rice cakes and apples slices to the theater – that’s just crazy talk. If the theater won’t cater to the patron then we’ll do our own catering, or use another theater.
Or…start my own theater. Hmmm…
I’ve got just one word for you… Netflix.
My wife and I don’t go to the theater any more. Concession prices are rediculous, that’s if you want to eat the junk they sell. But what really gets to me is when someone is on their cell phone during the movie. No more. I can wait three or four months for the movie I want to see to get to netflix.
Honestly, theatres make so little money on movies that concessions is their only business. Basically, they show movies to get you in the door to buy popcorn.
I worked at a theatre for 2 years in high school, ran the concession stand, and saw all sorts of the fun stuff behind the scenes. The “butter” you put on? (Shudder) Nothing but a 5 gallon bag of oily goo that we once calculated, I shit you not, contained 153,000 grams of fat. Heart attack here we come!
Tony: we have Netflix though I have trouble finding the time to sit down and watch a movie. At least if I go out to the movies I won’t be pulled in a million different directions. I agree with you on movie manners…I hate when someone in a row in front of me keeps pulling out a phone to text someone.
Steve: Don’t worry, I figure the salt I dump on the popcorn absorbs the grease thus protecting my arteries! Maybe I’ll just stuff a tub of Promise spread in my wife’s purse too.
Touche, my friend, touche.
Tell me about it!!! I just started working at a movie theater…it is ABSOLUTELY disgusting!!! You should see the amount of crap that is served!! I mean really…a family came in the other day…and when I say family I mean two people…and the mom ordered the following for her and her son: A super large tub (the bucket sized) of popcorn…extra “butter”…two extra large cokes…two bags of twizzlers…two bags of peanut m and ms…and two cinnabon pretzels…I couldn’t belive it…TRULY DISGUSTING!!! And do you know what is worse than eating this crap…SMELLING it all day everyday!!!!!!!!
While I agree, your point on the kids portion was right on. If you had taken enough time at concession to look, you would have found that Regal Entertainment Group Theaters DO have a kids’ tray with exactly what you said: a small handful of popcorn, a tiny kid’s drink, a tiny bag of m&m’s, and with brightly colored packaging. Next time, take a minute and read over the menu, and if you don’t see something that you want, ASK! The people behind the counter will be happy to oblige.
Michael,
If you’d taken enough time on this page you’d see that I’m well aware that “Regal Entertainment Group Theaters” (you must be an employee to write all that out) has kid packs and they suck. I guess you live in the promised land because out where I live they don’t come with M&M’s but with gummi candy, and with 2 kids in braces that just won’t do.
Two of my kids are a little older so a drink larger than the 4 oz of soda + 8 oz of ice beverage would be nice too. A small soda – aka a “quart” – is too large even for adults (really, do you need a quart of soda?). Something in the middle – 20 oz perhaps – would be nice.
I’m sure in your perfect world the attentive adults working concessions have a wide range of options with which to serve me and are empowered to think independently, but the rest of us have to deal with burnt popcorn and unmotivated teenagers.
It’s more cost effective to stop off on the way to the movies, let each person pick a candy bar, then buy drinks and split a medium or large popcorn at the theater. Let’s hear it for winter, during which 20 oz bottles are easily smuggled in as well.
Next time, instead of dashing off a quick comment in hopes of earning the “Regal Entertainment Group Theater”‘s employee of the month award, take a minute and read over the post, and if you don’t understand something, ASK! Instead of arguing with the consumer about why his negative opinion is wrong, try to understand it first. Your overlords at Regal must know we have choices, and a competitive advantage is to be had by catering to the customer rather than trying to extort the maximum revenue possible (while making us sit through ads…hell, I don’t even watch ads at home thanks to TiVo and you want me to pay to watch commercials??)
Michael,
While I know this is mostly satire, your point is well taken as such. However, if taken as literal, it’s a little asinine. So, putting the comedy asside (as noted and appreciated), options available to you are:
-All Regals (and all theatres to my knowledge) sell bottled water. It’s pricey like everything else, but what isn’t at a theatre.
-Share a popcorn and don’t put the butter crap on it. Cheaper and you don’t get gummi bears.
-Exhibit the same impulse control that you advise: just don’t buy the crap. Your kid asks for it, you say no. Just see the movie.
-Recognize that going to the movies is a special occasion and it’s fun to splurg from time to time. Raising your kids with to abhor all enjoyment in life (such as the occasional fatty food, sugar drink, or ::gasp!:: comfy chair) will really only cost them in countless therapy sessions.
Finally, unloading on someone for opposing your view or making a suggestion that contradicts your own: that Bill O’Reilly level classy there. Good Job.
First, I enjoyed your initial terminology best. Whether or not intentional, as per Jonathan Swift, Swiftian logic will point to the fact that fattening children is joyous and extremely gratifying. To see them soften and round to a nice plump pillow formation is absolutely and positively American in its very core. There is nothing as identifiable as a plump or even nice and fat child complete with double-chin, XXL Husky clothing, tight shirt complete with belly protruding beneath the pant belt and soft thick thighs and spongy soft, pillowy arms ending in puffy hands with sausage shaped finger. I just completely chill at the thought as it is about as enjoyable as a gorgeous sunshine.
Remember, one person’s fat is another one’s treasure. keep an open mind and a growing waistline on them.
well i run a 5 scren movie theater in vt as with the oil in the pop corn well we have real butter and i mean cabot butter and well it is like going to a fast food joint they do not make you bye the stuf it is up to us how much do you just bye fast food and then say what did i do with that $40 dollars i hade. at least when you go out as a famley you are spending time to gather now as every one knows net flick is nice but how big is your movie theater in your home? well you miss so much when you do not see it in a movie theater and if you look around you can find a good place to go and not have to put a lean on you house. now i caint speek for all the movies theater but you come to mine and i see a cell phone out i will tell them to put it a way and if they dont i will ask them to leave and i do not mind if the people come out to tell me if it is going on
I am a girl (child), I am skinny and I go to the movies about twice a month. I love it, and have hardly experienced any sight of cell phones or babies crying at the movies. I love the food and always finish. I think that you are a very rude and negative man.
P.S. I am going to the movies today and I am super duper excited!